An elderly woman in my local congregation once asked me if I was paying attention to what God had for me. Now this could have meant any number of things, but it was clear to me that she was implying that I should pursue a particular young single woman in our church. At the time, I was still single but was interested in my now-wife, who lived in a different state. This exchange was frustrating—not because of the woman’s intentions, but because of the assumptions that made such exchanges far too common when I was single.
I always understood that marriage is not guaranteed, but I did not know that nearly every married person in the church would treat you as if you were lacking an essential blessing from God. When you’re single at church in your twenties, nearly every conversation seems to inevitably involve a brief discussion about your relationship status. I’ve discovered that the overemphasis on marriage within church communities marginalizes singles, perpetuating isolation and neglect. Reflecting on my own experience, church members too often fixate on marriage and encourage everyone else to find a spouse.
If we do not involve singles in our lives regularly, we are not practicing church properly.
Single church members often seek to be brought into a community of believers that includes them like an extended family, especially when they live far from their own families. However, without being intentional about who we interact with, we can subtly drift away from our single friends, leaving them to face the lonely realization that they are being left behind. Over time, they may begin to believe that they are not desired by God or friends and that they are only useful for a few tasks in the church.
After getting married, couples often slowly begin to spend more time with others who are in the same “life stage.” At first, they are tempted to spend time only with their spouse, and as time goes on, they slowly surround themselves with other married people who can more easily relate to their place in life.
Once couples have children, they suddenly find themselves bonding almost exclusively with other parents. Our unmarried members end up spending most of their spare time alone or with other singles, often of the same gender. Over time, they become alienated from the rest of the body and can lose their desire to interact with others. If we do not involve singles in our lives regularly, we are not practicing church properly. Most singles in our churches have been conditioned to believe that married members possess an elevated status and that they, as singles, are not qualified for most church positions unless they are married.
I got married in my early thirties, and both my wife and I experienced many frustrations as single church members. We hope to learn from those experiences and help other church-going singles not feel excluded or marginalized. Here are some examples of intentional actions we choose to take to involve singles: First, we are very willing to talk with our unmarried friends about romantic relationships, but we will not be the ones to start that part of the conversation. In fact, we force ourselves to talk about new and interesting things that these friends are doing with their lives. Secondly, we typically avoid church activities that exclude our single friends, such as couples-only Valentine’s banquets.
Playing matchmaker insistently with our singles can actually push them away and suggest that we believe they are not living to the fullness of what God has for them. This implies that we believe Jesus, our Savior—a single man—as having lived a lesser life because He never married. Of course, most would never say such a thing out loud, but the implications are there for us to examine. Did Jesus lack something by being single, and do we believe that our singles lack something essential?
Photo credit: AI-generated
One Response
Dwylin, thank you for sharing this! So true! I know a number of singles that live fulfilled lives. I also know some of the frustrations and loneliness they live with. Their views and insights are encouraging and challenging to me. We are all equal in God’s eyes. God bless you!